Fresh Off The Wrist
by Jennifer Pak
Summary: John thought he saw Ianto and John thought he was in for a good night. And nothing was worse than realising how wrong he was.


**Title:** Fresh Off The Wrist

**Characters: ** John, Ianto, Alien

**Spoilers: **Doctor Who: The Pandorica Opens and Torchwood: End of Days and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (if you squint)

**Rating:** T

**Word Count:** ~ 1,400

**Summary:** John _thought_ he saw Ianto and John _thought_ he was in for a good night. And nothing was worse than realising how wrong he was.

**A/N:** After watching the Pandorica Opens, this just got stuck in my head. So I wrote it down, don't forget that reviews are love. Now…on with the story.

* * *

"Eye-Candy?" John looked across the bar and stared at the suit clad Welshman. Ianto's head shot up hearing John's voice. He didn't say a word just got up and moved closer, weaving through the mass of aliens.

"Where's Jackie Boy? I thought he'd keep you on a short leash…oh you'd look _so_ good" John muttered getting lost in his own fantasy. Ianto just smiled and took a step closer. They were standing obscenely close by then, feeling their breath on each others faces.

After John's previous fantasy, having the other man so close without any actual contact was torture.

"What, no witty comeback? No sexy eye roll? Nothing?" His voice was still arrogant and level but his eyes betrayed him.

Ianto smirked and rolled his eyes, before pulling John into a rough kiss. When they finally broke apart, John said breathlessly,

"I'll take that instead any time."

Suddenly Ianto pulled back and led John off to the back of the club.

There were doors leading upstairs to private rooms and John couldn't wipe the grin off his face. They arrived at the stark room and Jack was still nowhere in sight. John was surprised but he didn't mind because judging by Ianto's behaviour so far. It was going to be a good night, Jack or no Jack.

Ianto smiled and his whole body seemed to glitter, Ianto gave a slight frown.

"You are so sexy Eye-Candy, you know that?"

That seemed to placate the younger man, then suddenly Ianto was in front of him. Ianto pressed a finger to John's lips, another smile playing across Ianto's face as he pushed John towards the bed.

He fell back onto the bed as Ianto crawled up his body. Handcuffs seemingly appeared out of nowhere.

"Oh, Eye-Candy I knew it! It's always the quite ones."

Ianto pressed a soft kiss to John's lips silencing him, as he pulled off John's shirt and coat. John was completely dazed at this point, laying back and grinning dopily. Ianto's smiled turned predatory as his hands snaked up to John's and handcuffed him to the headboard.

He leaned in close to John, who expected another kiss but instead Ianto leaned forward and whispered in his ear.

"Shimmer" The voice was decidedly feminine and not at all Welsh. John was well past the point of comprehending and simply continued rutting against Ianto (or his imposter). He pulled away from John, leaving the man whimpering at the loss of contact.

"Shimmer, Captain" the voice repeated as Ianto dissolved, revealing a cream coloured slightly translucent blob with a mess of long tentacles floating around it. Light pulsed in a slow rhythm through the blob matching the movements of the tentacles.

"Sorry Captain. I never did like humanoids" the light pulsed in time with its words.

John had managed to regain some of his composure, and stared for a moment.

"So, uh…why?"

"You're an ex-time agent"

"And…" John was still a little confused.

"You still have a working Vortex Manipulator."

"Nope. Not selling anymore. You lot know the score."

"I do know. It's causing my boss a bit of trouble. Ever since the Agency shut down, there's practically none of you left and on top of that, no one sells anymore. No agency to give you replacements. You lot are killing the trade."

"That's hardly my fault and I'm still not selling."

The blob gave a slight grunt, "You're the one tied to the bed, and I'm the one with the knife."

One of the tentacles retrieved a small blade from the mass of writhing limbs. In one swift movement the knife severed his hand, wrist strap and all. Swiping another limb over the wound, and the blood stopped along with the pain. The blob dropped the hand into a simple wooden box, and snapped it shut.

"Was that really necessary?" John asked rather irritated. That was after all his best hand, and his only wrist strap.

"Word on the belt is you'd had it bonded to your skin, to stop anyone stealing it."

"I had it undone." It was ridiculous how rumours spread around the belt.

"Oh that's a pity" it sighed without a hint of remorse.

"Well can I at least have my hand back." He hoped by having the hand around his nanogenes would fix him up.

"Nope. Temporal seal on the box. It won't open until it gets to the markets in 5145, boss thinks he's found a buyer up there."

The box was swallowed up by the mass of tentacles at the blob's side.

John clearly wasn't going to win that argument, he might as well get a night to remember out of it.

"Well…while you're here…" he let it hang in the air, innuendo dripping from his words.

"Sorry. Like I said before. I never really like the whole two arms, two legs thing."

"I can be very persuasive" he rolled his hips as much as he could.

"Why am I not surprised."

"I'm diverse too. Lots of fun to be had with tentacles."

"I'm aware of your record. But really? A canine from the 21st century of all places. You're sick."

"I never touched that poodle. Thought about it, a lot. But I never touched the damn thing." John felt a little stupid defending his character, while chained to a bed, with one hand gone.

"Perhaps I should change my informant" it mused quietly to itself.

"Okay" John gave in, "You've got my Vortex Manipulator, and my hand as a bonus prize. Can you at least untie me now?"

The blob made some humming noises as if deciding, "No" it said bluntly, "I might feel a tiny bit sorry for you, against my better judgment of course. So here."

The long stringy limbs pressed a key to John's forehead, and a card into his hand.

"The keys for the cuffs, of course, and there's 400 credits on that."

"Hang on! My hand alone is worth more than 400 lousy credits" John argued

""You seem to have misunderstood, I'm not paying for anything. I'm stealing, then feeling sorry for you. But if you don't want it…"

John clutched the card tight in his hand, "No, I'm right" John reassured the blob.

The blob made to leave but seemed to turn around and said,

"If it's any consolation, it's being sold in The Maldovarium. When you get free, which you no doubt will, you can come buy it back. If it hasn't already been sold."

"Yeah" John muttered, "Where the hell am I going to get that sort of money? The Maldovarium is damn expensive."

"Oh I don't know" the blob teased, "But your half naked, tied to the bed in a private room above a sleazy club, all hot and bothered with a payment card in hand. Something tells me you'll find plenty of _paying customers_ here. And you're actually quite handsome, if you were into that sort of thing."

"Thanks, I think" John ignored the beginning of the statement, focussing on the half compliment he'd just received.

"Are you absolutely sure?" He tried one last time, "I can be very persuasive if you give me the chance. You know you liked it."

"You are impossible, and really quite a terrible time agent."

"Hey!"

"Well it's true. You keep getting kidnapped and tricked. For a con-man you really are quite naïve. You didn't even notice when my shimmer went wrong. The sparkling is a dead give away."

"Maybe I did notice" John mentally kicked himself for not seeing it, "Maybe I thought this would amount to a slightly more entertaining evening."

"Well you were wrong. Also your hand should grow back in about an hour."

"Gee, Thanks" He said sarcastically

"Well, it has been a pleasure meeting you John" and the blob left, closing the door softly as it went.

"Brilliant, just bloody brilliant" he muttered to himself.

* * *

"_Well now. Word on the Mount is you're looking for time travel."  
"Are you selling?"  
"A vortex manipulator, fresh off the wrist of a handsome time agent… I said __**off**__the wrist!"_


End file.
